


It Doesn't Matter Anyway

by coffeeblossoms02



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Letter fic, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, PWP without Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 15:03:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17185217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeblossoms02/pseuds/coffeeblossoms02
Summary: Dongyoung attempts a letter





	It Doesn't Matter Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> writers write, as an instrument or not. and what's a better way of bleeding, than through words, am i right? anyways, enjoy this fictional letter! 
> 
> [edit] warning: non-graphic smut, not explicit but it's there

Yuta, if you’re reading this, I still hate you.

So much I want to kill you.

But if you died, who’s gonna hurt me so good that I want more?

I hate you so much I keep coming back to you.

Gosh I hate this.

I want to hate you but I can’t.

Now I’m gonna tell you everything I feel all this time. You better read this carefully because this is so embarrassing to write. Be grateful that I attempt this at all.

 

Yuta,

Some days you feel so soft and warm pressed against me. Some other days I feel like you're slipping through my fingers, flying away, further and further from me, and there’s only cold left. We’re vague, this whole thing is.

It doesn't matter anyway. 

You weren't meant to stay. This weren't meant to last. We weren't meant to be. 

But let me live in the moment. Let me have those kisses. Before tomorrow's sorrow wash everything of our today together away. Before my daily dose of nicotine wash away the taste of you in my mouth. 

And let me tell you something I couldn’t say to your face.

I hate that you kiss me so gently. I hate that you hold me so carefully, carrying all my weight, not putting any pressure on me. Like I'm gonna break. It's true. But you know I'll break thousand times and more for you. You know I can never say no, not to you. And don’t tell me you don't know about the poems you've taught me, that blooms gracefully each time you caress my skin. 

_"Stop it. Don't be gentle with me. Break me."_

I hate how you look at me like I’m fragile. Like I don't know that already. I hate the way you look at me like I'm made of glass, like I hold the stars in my eyes, like you would give me the world, only for you to completely disregard. 

_"I can. But I don't want to. I want you like this."_

Your plush lips feel so warm, so right against mine. Like they belong together. Like how I wish I was belong for you to own. 

I try breathe. But it comes long, dragged, and I’m choked. And I can never get enough. 

I hate how you always adjust yourself to me. To my needs. I hate how you always give in to me. Silly. That only makes me greedy. That only makes me want more, need more. 

I hate how you always comply to my requests. 

I moaned. But you only give in to me. Not to your urges. Never to the temptation. I hate that you know it drives me insane. 

The air felt so thick I couldn’t breathe properly. Yet you were still unbearably gentle with me. Only leaving few territorial marks on my skin. Knowing how promiscuous I am without you here. Yet you never hate me. 

_"Please."_

You saw a single tear that felt like a prickle flew, fresh and hot from my eyes. 

_"Hurt me."_

The heat was suffocating. The pressure was amazing. But my hard to please-self never settles for enough. 

_"You've hurt enough."_

You were there with me. Through every single cause of my wounds. And suddenly you were not. Do you know how lost I was? Without your arms, keeping me safe, from the bad, from myself.

_"It doesn't matter."_

I remember I hissed. More like pathetic whine. Like the needy bitch I am.

_"You always get hurt with me."_

Your movements halted. Your eyes contemplating. Searching in my darker ones, the ones that used to void with life, then reflected in yours, dripping with lust and something else. I should have been ashamed. But I don’t know what pride is when it comes to you.

What were you thinking? What did you find in my eyes, that caught you off guard. Making you upset.

You bit a patch under my ear. Calming me down, lulling me into patience. But I’m not you.

_"I always pray every God exits for you to be safe. To be happy."_

I choked. I know, idiot. Trust me, I do. 

_"I don't want you to get hurt. Let alone because of me."_

You got upset. Your movements got clumsy. Chopped. Good. But I still wanted more. 

_"You should never get hurt."_

How I wanted to laugh. At your face. At the irony. How I wanted to say that I live for the pain in my chest every time I lost in trance of your touch. How I wanted to yell how much of an idiot you are, how stupid you’re making me feel. 

_"You left long enough not to see half of the scars."_

Stop it. Don't see me like that ever again. I don't need pity. I don't need to see that apology in those eyes of yours. Like you were cursing yourself for the times you weren't there when I reached out to you. 

_"I'm sorry, angel."_

I hate that I love the name you call me. I'm not that high. I'm not holy. I'm not pure. I'm not innocent. You know it all. You know everything. Yet you still choose to call me that. 

I hate how you call me with so much tender love lacing in your voice, carefully pronounced like you want to ingrain it to my mind for me to believe. Like you want to call me that until I believe that’s what I am. Until I forget my name and only know yours. But honestly? You don't even have to try, not for the last part. 

_"It doesn't matter now."_

I hate that you know exactly what to do. But I hate the things you don't say even more. I can feel it in the tip of your tongue that latches on mine, on the tremble of your body when you’re with me, in your heavy, shallow breathes, and in your pristine eyes. I always get drunk with how you say everything to me through your body. But I'm greedy, and the words you picture on my skin aren’t enough and it's killing me. 

My breath hitched. I gasped for air but you drew out filthy moans from me, the dirtiest kind. How I wanted to curse you and call you the worst name.

_"There."_

You smiled to my skin. Not touching. Ghosting. Leaving me wanting for more. God I hate you so much. 

_"More."_

I don't care how pathetic I sounded. I know I sounded whiny. Slutty. Desperate. I just wanted more. I need to feel more of you, always do. You give me everything I ask, but I don't know what enough is. Not when it comes to you. I can never have enough of you. 

_"You're so spoiled.”_

That, you said, clicking your tongue, as you picked up your pace. 

You know I know you can never get mad at me. You know I’d take advantage of that. Yet you still cave in to everything I want.

_"You love me."_

Did I sound desperate? I know I did. Do I care? No. Why should I? You always pamper me. Caressing me softly. Guiding me through the dark and fears. With your warm hands tracing paths on my skin. 

It was burning, it still is. You painted your want of me with red, purplish blotches. It's unfair. They look ugly on me. But I want more of them. I want your traces on me. A prove that you're real. That you've ever held me so tight I couldn’t breathe, yet I wanted more.

_"Patient, angel."_

You fucking laughed. 

_"I got you."_

You always do. But how dare you. I can just huffed an exasperated laugh. 

I love how you can always drive me wild. Drawing out the most primal instinct of want. Only then to leave me alone, burning in desire for more. 

Pathetic. 

_"You're so gorgeous."_

Don't look at me like that ever again. Like I'm your dream comes true. Like I'm made of colors and all you’ve seen is blue just for you to leave in the mist. 

I hate how much you have control over me. Numbing all my senses ‘till all I can feel is you. I don't even drink, but with you, I'm drunk, numb and, oh, ecstatic. 

Do you know that I know you want to own all of me? You know all you have to do is ask. And I'll give you everything and more, until there's nothing left of me. 

_"So, so gorgeous."_

You buried yourself deeper, emphasizing your point. You know I will always gladly take everything you give me. Even all those praises, even though deep down, I don’t believe any of it.

I cried. I'm weak for praises. And you're so good at it. You're so good at making me feel good. You push me past my limits, all the way to my breaking point. But you do it all with our hands joined, keeping me grounded, never letting me fall apart. 

You broke me down, you watched me trashing, spasm under your piercing gaze, but then you built me up again. Do you know how infuriating it is? And how your smirk, drinking what you see, only enraged me, but I could do nothing about it?

_"What do you say?"_

You always take me there. A place I couldn't be if you're not here, not even with those substitutes. The empty space nobody could reach. 

_"Please."_

Can't you see how desperate I am? Don't you see how much I degraded myself just for you? I'm low, desperate, and oh so hungry for you. 

_"Call my name."_

Don't you know I keep calling your name like a spell even when I'm unconscious? It's carved deep in my soul, fills me to the brim it's spills out everywhere, tainting me with your bright, vibrant colors. I don’t fit bright colors, they hurt my eyes, but I'll swallow everything yours until I lose my own taste. 

_"Yuta..."_

You allowed me that bliss. You took me where all I see is stars. Yet, again, it wasn’t enough for me. 

_"I love you, Yuta."_

I sobbed. I fucking sobbed. But what was your response?

You only dug your teeth on my skin, making sure it will last at least a week. I cried in pleasure and agony. Why wouldn’t you give in on this?

You nibbled your sweet nothings to my skin. Anywhere you could reach. I just wish I could be satisfied with it. 

I'm an insatiable void. I take everything, yet it's never enough. I live in misery, driven by my own desire. 

I just thought you knew. 

Or do you?

What are you so afraid of? 

Wait, don't answer me. I think I know why. And I don't think I wanna hear you say it. 

You shower me kisses and praises. You tell me how good I am for you. But we both know that they’re pure bullshit. It's the after high effect. I want you. And you're just too kind not to be generous. 

I laid there, watching sweats traveled down your nicely toned body. How could you be so gross, yet so ethereal? Too good for me to touch, too good to happen to me. 

You let my fingertips brush on your skin. Tracing back my claw marks I know you’ll wear proudly. Do you know I can live with the sound of your laugh only? 

_"I should go, angel."_

The words I dread so much flew so easily from you. How I want to hate everything on our way. How I want to hate the long to stay in your eyes, but you always go anyway.

_"When will you be home again?"_

You kissed my forehead, nuzzled my hair, pressing our heads together like an attention deprived cat. A drawl exhale was your answer. I shouldn't have asked at all. 

Some days you feel so soft and warm pressed against me. Some other days I feel like you're slipping through my fingers, flying away, further and further from me,  and there’s only cold left. We’re vague, this whole thing is.

It doesn't matter anyway. 

You weren't meant to stay. This weren't meant to last. We weren't meant to be. 

But let me live in the moment. Let me have those kisses. Before tomorrow's sorrow wash everything of our today together away. Before my daily dose of nicotine wash away the taste of you in my mouth. 

I went through this before. And I will pull through again, this time. With your musky scent on my skin. And your painted unspoken words, bluish, engraved deep into my bones. Your deep, raspy, lust driven voice in my head. And the ghost of your touch. The traces of you that will be blown away by the wind. As I desperately cling onto the memory.

Of your love. 

I signed myself up for this misery. Wanting you wholly. While we both know, that neither of us, are for anybody. 

I've been through this. And I will do it over and over again. I will weep, my love, deeply. But I will go down with this shit. With your name, caged in my bones, even if you won't ever come back to me anymore. 

 

I hope you do. But I don’t wanna bring myself another disappointment so I could still function if you don’t. It’s whatever now.

 

Yours always,

 

 

Dongyoung

 


End file.
